My Ol' Coonhound

[The large male biped has always wanted a bluetick coonhound. A noble breed, though not a beagle, of course. Still, one likes to be broadminded, so get out that Harlem Globetrotter soundtrack and sing along.]

No dog made can make the grade like my ol’ coonhound.
Got four feet as big as Crete, my ol’ coonhound.
Hunters sigh and start to cry for my ol’ coonhound
We all know why, yeah,
You know I can’t lie. (Who me? Not much now)

Now we all know just how she’ll go when she tracks ‘em down!
Winds can blow and it could snow, but she’ll make her quarry frown.
Now all the game that hound can’t get, oh Are species she ain’t met.
My wife named her
When we claimed her,
My ol’ coonhound

There’s no dog leaves me agog like my ol’ coonhound
Love her howl and floppy jowl, my ol’ coonhound
One loud bay can make my day, my ol’ coonhound
I love that dog, oh
Leaves me in a fog. (You know, I can’t lie.)

Now when she sleeps, she snores so deep, that she make a wind.
Curtains flap, and structures snap, the walls bulge and distend.
Now all the sounds, that gal can make, oh
Any silence, she can slake.
She’s got sad eyes.
Make her look wise.
My ol’ coonhound.

No dog here could be a dear like my ol’ coonhound.
Every cat just leaves my flat, my ol’ coonhound.
Nothing beats her howling greet, my ol’ coonhound
I love that pup, yeah
She makes me say yup (she asks, she gets it)

Now this here hound, she does astound, when folks see her wag.
This old gal is my best pal, I can’t help but brag.
The love she give our family, oh
Really is a sight to see.
Her name’s Sadie,
Sic Tom Brady!
My ol’ coonhound.

Dog Down Under

[Dedicated to Radley, an Australian cattle dog formerly at HSI whom the female biped dearly wanted]

Traveling through a local shelter
It was hotter than a working smelter.
I saw a cattle dog, who looked so helpless.
I took her home, as I was whelp-less.

And she said
“I’m a dog from the land down under.
But one day I made such a blunder.
I left my yard and I did wander,
And I got lost in the rain and thunder.

“Slept in a crate, to rest my muscles.
Then I was at sea, bound for Brussels.
How the world did it wind up winter?
I just sighed and boarded with a vintner.

“And he said
‘You’ll go back to the land down under.
When I ship down my latest plunder.
How you got here is a wonder.
Slip in this crate, and I’ll add the cover.’

“Ay-yaaaaa.

“Wound up on a dock near New York.
On my own, and craving some pork.
A rabbi said, ‘Oi veh, you are crazy!’
I ran west toward the sunset hazy.

“And I thought
‘Need to get to the land down under.’
My head it felt just like a dunder.
As I passed a small girl, I stunned her.
I was so quick, I outran the thunder.”

I said
“Do you need the land down under?
It would tear my whole world asunder.
You could stay, there’s no need to wander.
Please don’t you run, it would be such a blunder.”

What I said, I think it stunned her.
Then she thought how the sky had sunned her.
Then she sniffed, then she ate her plunder.
And shuddered at the rolling thunder.

“Ah, t’ heck with the land down under.
Leaving wasn’t really such a blunder.
You’re so nice, and Indy’s cool in summer. (Sorta.)
Leaving here would only make me chunder.”

Guard That Big Ol' Backyard Hound Dog

Once I was a little hound dog
Running round a big ol’ back yard.
Then I heard a quiet hissing
That left me feeling oh so jarred.

Punks were all around me
Doing things that looked like no good.
How could we have these problems
Here in our quiet, nice neighborhood?

Yeah they were laughin’, and sneakin’,
And causing all this damage.
And just then, it hit me:
Make them need a bandage

I heard:
Guard that big ol’ back yard, hound dog!
Chase those stupid hoodlums out!
Guard that big ol’ back yard, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Till they cry.

Now try to understand this,
I thought that they were out of their minds.
How could they be so foolish
To not see I was stalking behind?

And so I tore some Levi’s,
Defending home in every way.
I barked, “You have to leave here!
Or I’ll chew you ‘till the break of day!”

Cause they were breakin’, and bendin’,
And acting so dim-witted.
That’s why I attacked them,
And their clothes got rough-slitted.

I thought:
Get them out the back yard, hound dog!
Chase those stupid vandals out!
Get them out the back yard, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Till they cry; or they die! Gonna eat some electrofied funky trousers!

At first I was so nervous,
Scaring bored teenagers at night.
But once they got all shaky,
I could give them some well-deserved fright.

But now it’s so much better (so much better)
I chase them out near every night.
I hope I never lose that taste for (hope I don’t)
Giving stupid kids well-earned frights.

When they are hurting, and harming,
And causing all this trouble.
I sneak up, open wide,
And bite them on the bubble.

Chase away those hoodlums, hound dog!
Bark and get them out of your yard!
Chase away those hoodlums, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Til they cry, oh watch them cry!

I shouted
Leave my big ol’ back yard (leave my big ol’ back yard)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (got to keep on defending it)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (leave my big ol’ back yard)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (you better climb up higher now)

Stand against the vandals, hound dog!
Make your house all safe at night!
Stand against the vandals, hound dog!
Scare them off with horrid fright!

Stop all those trespassers, hound dog!
Make them jump to unknown heights!
Stop all those trespassers, hounnnn-dawg.
Make them jump in fright ...

Big Heart/Warm Bedspread

[With full apologies to Cake]

I want a girl who can spoil her doggies.
I want a girl who loves her pets.
I want a girl with shoes that niff and
Hands that heat like turbo jets.

I want a girl with a wide open pantry
That is big, and filled-up, and thoroughly packed.
She's playing with my dew claws, she is putting out my toys,
She is rubbing my belly and petting my back.

I want a girl with a big heart and waaaarm bedspread.

I want a girl who hugs me early (hugs me early)
I want a girl who snuggles me late (snuggles me late)
I want a girl with uninterrupted dog time (uninterrupted)
Who sneaks me spaghetti right from her plate.

With a lap that feels like heaven's pillow
And a voice that coos and makes me wag,
She is kind, and sweet, and smells like kibble,
She hugs me so warmly and buys me new swag.

I want a girl with a big heart and waaaarm waaaarm bedspread.

I want a girl with no trepidation (no trepidation)
Whose ear needs licking, and who smiles down at me (smiles at me).
At the shelter, we will meet accidentally (meet accidentally)
She thinks I'm cute, and says so with glee.

She wants a dog who likes to be cuddled,
She wants a dog that can stay inside.
I like her cat with the calico pattern!
I'm going home now in her convertible Saturn!

I got a girl with a big heart and a waaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm bedspread.

(Arf arf, arf arf, arf arf;
arf arf arf arf aaaaarf arf ...)

The Beagles Are Back in Town

[With sincerest apologies to the late Phil Lynnott]

Guess who just got back today?
Those wild-eyed hounds that had been away.
Haven't changed, or eaten enough today,
But man, I think those beagles are great.

They were askin' if you were a hound,
How you smelled, where food could be found.
Then they ran off toward downtown,
Driving all the chipmunks crazy.

The beagles are back in town (beagles are back in town).
(I sniff) The beagles came back dooooown,
The beagles with tick of brown.
The beagles who do not frown (beagles who like to clown).
The beagles who wear the crown (beagles are back in town).

You know this hound, he always howls a lot?
Every night he'll be in your crotch smelling what you got.
Man his nose is so cool, it's anti-hot.
He'll set you to screamin'.

That day over at the bark park,
Well Perlie got up and she chased off a lark.
And then she snuck up with a nose so stark
Cold on your bare leg, you won't forget her.

The beagles are back in town (beagles are back in town).
(I sniff) The beagles came back dooooown,
The beagles with tick of brown.
The beagles who do not frown (beagles who like to clown).
The beagles who wear the crown (beagles are back in town).

Spread the treats around!
Guess who's back in town?
You spread popcorn around!

Every night they'll be ready to kill
Anything that comes off the grill.
The slobber will flow and the drinks will spill.
And if the beagles wanna eat you better let them.

A squirrel's in the back yard; with a mad dash, they're gone!
The howls are getting louder, it won't be long,
It won't be long till the dinner gong,
Now that the beagles run again.

The beagles are back in town (beagles are back in town).
(I sniff) The beagles came back dooooown,
The beagles with tick of brown.
The beagles who do not frown (beagles who like to clown).

(Spread the treats around.)

The beagles who wear the crown (beagles are back in town).

(The beagles are back, they'll eat your snack!)

The beagles are back in town again.
They're sniffing up your Chino's.
The beagles are back in town again.

Fat Bottom Hounds

[With sincerest apologies to Queen]

Aw, you gonna chew pig ears tonight
Aw, gonna crunch with all your might.
Aw, you gonna let your ears hang down.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.

(Hey!)
I was just a whippet pup,
Never knew my down from up,
But I could howl before I left my rookery.
Left alone with big ol' Bottles,
She had such a naughty waddle,
Hey big basset, you made a hound dog out of me.
(Arf arf!)

(Awroo!)

I've been running in this pack,
Through the water, 'long the track,
I've seen every lapdog Princess in the hood.
But they're prissy and too mild,
And they all seem a little spiled.
Give me big dogs, lord, and I'll wag like I should.

(Come on!)

Aw, won't you howl with me tonight
Aw, underneath the pale moon light.
Aw, and you’re shakin’ all you got.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.

(Hey, howlin' here!)
I got pig ears, I got scones,
I got biscuits and steak bones,
Ain't no show dogs here in this ol’ muttish pack.
(I tell ya)
Oh boy! Still got my favorite!
I still adore and savor it!
Hey big basset, you done made a great dane of me!
(Now fetch this!)

Aw, you gonna snore with me tonight (Awroooo!)
Aw, ‘til the bipeds jump with fright.
Aw, you gonna snuffle on the ground.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round. (Woof)
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.

Get on your leash and walk!

Fat bottom hounds!
(Waddle em cowgirl!)
Fat bottom hounds!
(Must be jam 'cause jelly don't shake like that)

Beagle Like Me

[With apologies to TV on the Radio for mangling Wolf Like Me
(by The Were-Beagle, aka Perl the Inhaler)

Hey hey, my packmate.
Won't you lay paws on me?
I know you’re one good dog,
But your mind is full of fog.

You got a curse that I can lift,
Always act like you drank a fifth.
When the moon is round and full,
Need to chase that bird, in the midriff
(Your ears will change)

I’m as fast as a stolen car;
Behind you will always fall far,
Unless the transformation takes you,
You’ll never be a packhound star.

Your ears will change,
Your nose will strain,
But how you’ll like it.
With smell-tuned brain
And heart aflame,
Oh, how you’ll like it.

You’ll sniff the world,
Your tail unfurled,
Oh how you’ll like it.
Your snout smells all,
You’ll hunt all fall,
Oh, how you’ll like it.

Show me your smallest doubt,
I’ll turn you round in time.
When the moon is round and full,
Gonna show you stench that will blow your mongrel mind.

In every mutt I recognize,
There’s a beagle hidden down inside.
I know that I’m the lucky kind,
So can you, you, you.

I know it’s strange,
This dog breed change
Into a beagle.
But here’s the thing:
You must have wings
To soar with eagles.

I know it’s odd
To change your bod
Into another.
It will be soon,
Here comes the moon,
Let’s just take cover.
Cover!

[dreamy howls in background]

Dream of squirrels brought
Down to the ground, and
Open your ears and let them
Droop on down.

Feel me tweak your snout,
Until the scents flow in.
Open your mind and let the
Smells go in.

Feel your compact paws,
Run o’er woodland floor.
Now you know what all the
Howlin’s for.

[dreaminess ends]

Hey hey my packmate!
Let’s get that tasty hare!
He is down in the fallow field!
That’s where! Where! Where! Where!

(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)
Now your curse did fully lift.
The whole world is getting sniffed.
(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)
Beauregard has got a scent!
Your restraint’s no longer pent!

(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)

Howl out how it feels so good,
Chasing Little Red Riding Hood!
(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)
Now you know we’re the lucky breed!
It’s true! True! True! True!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!

We’re howling forever, ahw roo!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!